The Perfect Partner

Years ago, Nigerian friends who were planning to marry described the nearly year long process their families went through to prepare the merger of their two (families).

The families would meet and discuss their adult child. They would talk about his & her strengths, weaknesses, special gifts and experiences growing up.

They would share their future goals. Then, they told me, they would talk about how each would handle the other's flaws. They would discuss how each future spouse should plan to help their new partner continue their growth and development both emotionally and spiritually.

In our culture, we expect the other person to be fully "grown" at age 18. Any failure on their part to behave maturely and perfectly is seen as a huge and frightening flaw.

It is that understanding and negotiating of your partner's "blind spot" that can bring both power and fulfillment to the relationship.
You can become grounded through understanding the limits of their flaws while knowing the solutions to them.

Couples

Relationship Rescue

Premarital counseling

Relationship Redo

Relationship Rescue
A weekend 6 - 12 hour crisis intervention

When couples reach a crisis where one or the other feels that their safety, sanity and ability to cope is about to be lost, the Relationship Rescue weekend is an opportunity to make significant progress quickly. We meet for 2 to 4 three hour sessions on the next available weekend.

 Session I
 Brief personality testing, a survey of the five basic components of the marriage.
 A history of the relationship is given and core problems are identified.
Session II
Basics on effective communication are taught. Each partner gets coaching in applying these techniques to dismantle a core problem that each is concerned about.
Session III
 Negotiation of specific changes to immediately alleviate destructive or damaging patterns.
 Session IV
 Restructuring of relationship roles, responsibilities & schedules.
 A plan is agreed to on specific follow up steps to continue the progress.

Cost: $100-130/hr
Some portion may be covered by insurance.
More about costs of therapy.......

Premarital Counseling

So much research has been done on what makes relationships successful and what kills a relationship before the wedding bills are even paid. After thirty years of couples counseling, there are certain practices, behaviors and attitudes that stand out as being especially successful in maintaining a healthy, productive relationship. Create a plan for your relationship and know ahead of time exactly what tool to reach for to eliminate certain problems. Enjoy your life without the fear of your partner's or your own weaknesses ruining your chance at happiness.

6+ Weekly sessions* which include mapping your relationship strengths and weaknesses, identifying role expectations, identifying your conflict triggers along with knowing each person's core needs, and developing a mission statement for the relationship.

We apply many of the "best practice" principals to relationships, define core beliefs, establish a long term plan for the relationship and teach you how to administer basic maintenance along the way.

* Some clients require a longer engagement in therapy/coaching because of a significant relationship history which may include children, past marriages, individual counseling needs, etc.

Fee: Weekly sessions of 30, 45 or 75 minutes at $60, $130 or $150. More about fees......

Relationship Redo

Do you feel like you've worked out some parts of your relationship pretty well but there are certain behaviors or problems left that may cause your relationship to fail? Relationship Redo is more traditional couples counseling aimed at restructuring the relationship after identifying and understanding chronic conflict and breaking down past hurts that continue to fester. Sometimes, you can't move forward until you unload baggage from the past. One person would just like for it to be forgotten ("Leave the past in the past".) The other can't forget it because maybe it will be repeated and then they will be hurt again if they make themselves vulnerable. The compromise is to construct a wall in the relationship, don't show your feelings - be cold, and keep your partner at a distance. That distancing begins to erode the relationship further. With financial tension increasing, one or the other or both begin to feel trapped.

In many relationships that continue on like this, the stress from the relationship eventually shows up as illness. Scientists have identified exactly how emotions affect the body, an it isn't pretty - or necessary.

Fee: Weekly sessions of 30, 45 or 75 minutes at $60, $130 or $150. More about fees......

Schedule an appointment.

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Copyright © 2000-2009 Jan Summers

How, for example, might you utilize counseling?

If you're feeling overwhelmed in your relationship and frustrated because no matter what you do, your partner doesn't understand what you mean, then you may benefit from one of the tools of therapy: communication training.

If you or your partner's unfaithfulness has damaged the trust in your relationship, it's going to take real work to reestablish the bond between you but it can be done. Despite what you may have heard, there are reasons that people stray. Sometimes the causes are emotional, sometimes power-based, sometimes learned. Making structural changes in your relationship and changing the emotional climate can turn a bad situation into an opportunity to strengthen your bond.

Are your expectations reasonable? Did you buy into the cultural myth that you marry so that your spouse can make you happy? Or are you interested in discovering the deeper, enduring changes that an understanding partnership can add to your life.

The generation now marrying has grown up being constantly tested and measured against "standards". Often you define yourself in terms of a measurement, i.e., as an "MBA", a fraternity member, as "GS-level" this or that, a Woodmore resident, a private school parent, a BMW, Benz, Rover (are we getting too personal?). These are all expectations, hoops to jump through, ways to prove your worthiness - from the outside. In your heart you must feel worthy, valuable and be able to see the same worth and value in your spouse in order to feel strong enough not to blame each other for the disappointments of daily life. It's very hard if your transactions are all based on value judgments and media-cloned expectations.

Regeneration of a relationship can come from a very different place, that is within you, free and available all the time. With practice, you can teach yourself and help your partner find that place in yourselves and each other in order to achieve great change.